When I get to the Philippines, I'm going to go to a big mall and tell my cousins to take pictures of me eating at the picnic area and buying socks at Footlocker. When people ask who I am, I'm going to say that I'm the new star of this great new reality TV show that just came out in the States and I guess they haven't got it here yet.
People will talk, rumors will fly, and suddenly I will be offered a real reality TV show based in Manila. Then I'll become famous and I'll be making millions and millions of pesos, which translates to like $20,000 or something. I'll donate it all to charity, and then people will vote for me as mayor of some obscure province in the Visayas. Dauin, maybe.
There they will erect a stone statue of me, and I will discover a vein of gold in the mountains where they were excavating the stone for my statue. I will become insanely rich and meet the sultan of Brunei. We'll hang out and I'll teach his kids how to play basketball, and his harem will teach me some stuff. Then he'll lend me his private plane and I'll island hop all over the Pacific Rim, single-handedly stopping potentially dangerous volcanic eruptions by throwing ice cubes into lava.
While vacationing in Bali, I will be kidnapped by some terrorists. Just before they cut my head off on video, I will escape leaving all the terrorists unconscious, but alive. I will swim toward Manila, and on the way, I will befriend a lonely red-haired mermaid.
No wait. A mermaid? Now that's just being unrealistic.
Posted by glenn at February 3, 2005 09:06 PM