Don't Fake The Funk

Fatitude

I made up a new word: Fatitude, which means "the aptitude for fat." I have fatitude.

This is why: Yesterday, I was at Beth's house watching dvds when she asked me if I wanted some cheesecake. I was a bit hungry so I nodded that I would. The cheesecake was in an Entenmann's box, and it wasn't open yet. So Beth ripped off the tab marked "OPEN HERE" -- she's good with instructions -- but the box itself wouldn't open. Without even looking I said, "There are perforations on the sides of the box, baby. You have to rip them, too."

That's where it dawned on me: I am amazingly skilled at opening Entenmann's cake boxes. I have an aptitude for getting to fattening things. I put the thought aside for a moment, after all a beautiful woman was just about to start feeding me a slice of cheesecake.

But today, I got home from the gym and lo! Upon the pristine tiled counter in the kitchen sat... an unopened box of Entenmann's cheese danish cake. With frosting. And again, the box was no match for my aptitude for acquiring fattening foods.

What else can I do? I can open a can of Pringles in one motion. Normally, you pull the lid off, and then peel the foil freshness seal. I can do both at the same time. I can quickly lift the cover off a carton of Breyer's ice cream (any flavor) with two non-thumb fingers. I can break open pistachios with one hand. I can pour maple syrup in such a way that it never runs off waffles or pancakes. I know how to bake cookies.

Wow, this could very well be an until-now undiscovered super-power.

Posted by glenn at April 25, 2005 06:51 PM