Don't Fake The Funk

Last Night Was Chili

Yesterday evening I was at Dallas BBQ with Leah having a pre-game bowl of chili (big big mistake) and we had this pretty interesting discussion about religion and spirituality and stuff. But I forgot most of it. Which sucks because I wanted to share it. It'll probably come back to me soon, but I won't be anywhere near a computer to type it up. Anyway, trust me it was interesting.

We won our basketball game last night, no thanks to me. That chili really did me in I think. I barfed right before tip-off but I didn't feel much better so I played generally lazy. But we won, so it's all good. One thing I learned: my team can't break a press for shit. Nobody moves!

After the game, it was off to Bob's (it was Wednesday, after all). I gotta tell you, a bottle of Amstel Light does not mix well with the chili I had left in my system. I wish they had Guinness on tap at Bob's.

Molly was playing a Mike Tyson tape on the television above the bar. We got to talking about our favorite ear biter. I admitted to everyone that for a million dollars I would box Mike Tyson on the condition that I be given three months to train first. That way, I would get knocked out 30 seconds into the first round as opposed to 15 seconds in. I would lose a few teeth and/or dislocate my jaw for a million bucks, wouldn't you?

Just keep that damn chili away.

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Blonde Joke of The Night (courtesy of Teena's buddy Jen):

Q: Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
A: Because her english teacher told her to do an essay.

Apparently I Play Football Too

Check this out. I'm a free safety for the University of Notre Dame!

NBA Stuff

It's so strange listening to the radio or watching ESPN and hearing "The Knicks got swept in the first round." I'm sad, but I'm glad they got beat by their kid brother The Nets. We'll see what happens next season, when Kobe joins the Knicks. *insert maniacal laughter here* Now that the Knicks are out (and yes, I know my hopes of NY winning a championship were unrealstic. I'm a fan, not a fanatic), I hope the Nets get to the conference finals again. But I'm really rooting for Indiana. Ron Artest is the real deal Holyfield. And even though most Knicks fans hate him, I want Reggie Miller to succeed. Dude looks like a ferengi but I'm a fan. Both Reggie and Artest would have been great Knickerbockers.

I'm undecided about the west though. I kinda want the Lakers to win because The Mailman deserves a ring. But I kinda want Dallas to win because they're fun to watch. But then again, I kinda want Minnesota to win because I like Sam and KG. But then there's Earl Boykins. Forget 'Melo. Earl Boykins is the man in Denver.

Alls I know is that I don't want The Kings ever to win championship. Ever. They're too light-skinned. And I hate their one dark-skinned starter, Chris Webber. I still haven't forgiven him for calling that time out.

Pat Tillman, Eli Manning

Pat Tillman died in Afghanistan. I bet most Americans don't know, or only have a vague idea who, Pat Tillman was before this weekend. Pat Tillman played football for the Arizona Cardinals and turned down a 3 year $3.6 million offer to join the army so that he could help his country in the Middle East. Moreover, he made that decision to forego a life of sports and leisure while trying to stay out of the media spotlight. His brother Kevin, a baseball player for Cleveland, did the same thing.

Now, I've never been big on politics, and I don't give a rat's ass what your, or anybody else's, standing is about this "War On Terrorism." Who knows what the Tillman brothers' politics are? Who knows why Pat Tillman and his brother made that decision? Most people probably would never understand it, and I have heard people say that they were stupid for doing it. I believe that the Tillman brothers did not do it for politics. They surely didn't do it for the media attention. Or money.

Pat Tillman put his life in harm's way, and ultimately lost it, for you and me. He did it because he had an unshakeable belief that you and I should have the freedom that we usually take for granted. And whether or not you believe he was misguided, or if we should even have a hand in the Middle East's conflicts at all, Pat Tillman believed that that was where he needed to be to protect us.

Whatever right-wing politicians or counter-culture hipsters think, Pat Tillman died a hero.

And I'll slap the next person I hear who compares football to war right in the face.

--

This whole thing made that punk-ass mofo Eli Manning look like a bitch. Pat Tillman turned aside millions and made the ultimate sacrifice, and here Eli is, on the verge of making millions himself - and he refuses to play for the Chargers, the team that drafts him. Did you see the draft? That bitch wasn't even HAPPY that he was picked #1 overall. To me he looks like a spoiled, selfish athlete which has sadly become the norm in pro sports today.

And to top it off, the fuckin' punkass is now a NY Giant. He'll be a punkass even if he helps the Giants win a superbowl. I'll be happy, but he'll still be a punkass.

WWE Xanga Smackdown

Four of the people whose Xanga pages I read semi-regularly apparently had a pretty bad day today. They all wrote about it and used very colorful four-letter words in their respective Xanga entries. I wonder if there is some sort of correlation or connection between the four Xanga writers and their bad days. Like maybe the four of them ran into each other on the street, a big no-holds-barred free-for-all occurs and they all go home, each with a black eye, to write about it. That would actually be kind of funny. WWE Xanga Smackdown.

Do you read what the Rock is writing?!

Poor Jason Lo

You have no idea who he is. Me neither. But think about it: Jay Lo. I wonder if he fools anybody with the rocks that he got.

Wow, Cows (And Other Stuff)

Wow. I don't know what to make of all the comments I received for my cow post. You guys must really feel strongly about cows. I should talk about cows more often.

Ah! Here's an idea. "Were-cows." If you were a were-cow you'd turn into a cow on a full moo, and eat up all the pasture-land you come across. You'd wake up the next day naked, lying in the middle of a meadow with cud in your mouth and no idea how you got there. Now the only real problem with that idea is how people become were-cows in the first place. As far as I know cows don't bite people. It would have to be like radioactive milk or something. But then it would be more like a Hulk-cow.

Okay enough about cows, dammit. I fuckin' hate cows.

--

I saw this yellow school bus in Jersey yesterday that had a retractable yellow guard thing that extended when the bus driver parked to drop kids off. Apparently it's there to keep the children from running in front of the bus, unbeknownst to the driver, so that they won't get killed.

It got me thinking. There's so much stuff out there that's built specifically for our safety. Not just physical barriers for potential disasters, but laws that make it illegal for us to hurt ourselves. I foresee a future where there's gonna be so much "For Your Own Safety" stuff that humanity will become a weak race. We already coddle to the physical disadvantages of our people with wheelchairs and special walking shoes and reading glasses and stuff like that. I know one thing's for sure, some near-sighted dude won't last one second in the wilds of Africa without his glasses.

What makes us different from other animals on Earth is our intelligence. But it's our intelligence that is making Darwinsim and "Survival Of The Fittest" obsolete. We're doomed. Doomed!

Oh crap. I'm near-sighted. Note to self: If ever in the wilds of Africa be sure to bring contact lenses.

--

I can't find my glasses.

I was wearing my contacts today because I had a basketball game so I haven't seen my glasses since I left for the game. I'm about to put my contacts back on so I can look for my glasses.

How ironic is that?

BoviNation

I just read in Men's Fitness magazine that there are 96.7 million cows in the United States. Just to give you a clue as to how large a population that is, 96.7 million is almost eight times the number of Asians living in the U.S. right now, three times the number of blacks in America, and about half the number of Hispanics living in Washington Heights, today. Isn't that crazy? If cows suddenly became self-aware and sentient we would be in serious trouble. Hmm, well, they would also have to grow opposable thumbs. And they'd need some time to develop gunpowder to make fire arms.

Okay, so I'm not too worried.

Ever wonder what would happen if cows could talk? I have. You couldn't milk a cow with a straight face. Especially if they enjoy being milked like how some women ... ah never mind. And since they don't have opposable thumbs, the ability to communicate would be wasted on them. No fingers so they wouldn't be able to buzz the buzzer on Jeopardy!. Cows wouldn't be great conversationalists -- we just don't have anything in common with 'em so we'd have nothing to talk about. We'd probably still eat them if cows could talk.

I would, anyway.

Holy Rank-Out Contest

So I'm at this Christian group jammy-jam at Tito Vic's office today day-dreaming about basketball as usual and the question was posed "In what way have you personally experienced God's love?" Like I said, I was day-dreaming, so I was only vaguely aware of the question at first, but as they went from person to person down the row where I was sitting, I slowly started panicking. "Holy fuck! What the hell am I gonna say?" I was thinking frantically.

And it only got worse.

My luck was such that I was the last person to be asked. Not so bad because that gave me time to come up with something. But the bad thing about it was I had to go after Victor Kiamzon. And how does he answer the question?

"Well I used to be in a wheelchair and now I can walk."

Shit! I couldn't top that. This was like... a holy version of a rank-out contest and I lost. I can't even remember what I mumbled when it was my turn.

Um...

Has anyone seen my wallet?

Paper Airplanes

When were paper airplanes invented? I've been wondering about this for, oh, about a minute or so. I have a feeling that Leonardo Da Vinci invented the first one. That dude was a genius. Okay, so if LDV invented paper airplanes, what'd he call it? 'Contraptioso Del Paperio Airbornitio' most likely. (That's Italian for "Flying Paper Contraption," obviously.)

Hey maybe LDV didn't invent paper airplanes. Maybe paper airplanes were invented by the people who invented paper in the first place: the Egyptians. Imagine young Pharoahs-to-be flying papyrus airplanes around the Sphinx. Hmm, well some say the Chinese invented paper. Can you see little baby Shao Lin monks throwing their {insert-chinese-word-for-paper-here-no-thanks-to-teena-damnit} airplanes over the Great Wall? I can.

Anyway... paper airplanes. Geez. What is wrong with my brain that I'd be thinking about paper airplanes at 4:45am in the morning? I'm out.

p.s. This has nothing to do with paper airplanes but "Boat Trip" was hilarious. Cuba Gooding, jr. is a comic genius.

X-Rays I've Had Done

My kid brother has this thing on Friendster where he goes through the alphabet and reveals a tidbit about himself on a subject that begins with all the letters of the alphabet. (For example, "D" for dad's name, which is Orlando.) His "X" was "X-Rays taken of yourself" and that got me thinking. Not counting visits to the dentist, I've had my left ankle x-rayed four times, and my right ankle twice, my right wrist once, my left knee once, and my skull (yeah my skull!) once. All those x-rays, besides the skull one, were due to basketball-related injuries. I got my skull x-rayed because a barbell with 165 lbs of weight dropped on my face while bench-pressing it back when I was 20 years old. I know I know. You should always use a spotter. But it was only 165lbs!

Now, you cynics out there -- especially you three cats (I won't say your names but your initials are Aimee, Leah, and Beau... heh heh) that think I need my ego popped because I'm a genius with a camera -- will say "Damn, G, you're pretty fuckin' accident-prone."

You non-cynics, my adoring public, my fans, will say I'm just a very active individual.

Of course, the religious among you will say that God's been sending me signs telling me to quit basketball for years. (Actually, my godson's grandmother said that to me once a long time ago. I didn't say it to her face but I was thinking, "Shyeah right!" Good thing Tita Cecil doesn't read this!)

I haven't broken anything in years. Let's hope I didn't just jinx myself.

Fotagrafy

I know I'm a good photographer. Wanna know how I know? A high percentage of my friends and family whose pictures I've taken are using those pictures on their myspace and friendster pages.

I rock. Worship my photographicality.

What's Up With The Midwest?

I know people in mid-America are known to be polite but this is a little ridiculous. That being said, I could use an extra $20.

Apologetic Arkansas Peeping Tom Leaves Cash, Note
Fri Apr 9, 1:34 PM ET

"It's kind of an odd case," said Mountain Home police Sgt. Nevin Barnes.

Back From LA

I took almost five hundred fifty pictures but it doesn't seem like enough. Isn't that strange? It feels like I didn't document the trip enough. Still, 550 pictures in nine days is pretty good. I pared it down to about 425 so people don't get too bored viewing them.

I learned that my generation of family is just as loud and boisterous when we get together as my mom's generation. Except we don't play Mahjongg. It's all about Texas Hold 'Em. Not that we played that much, which is a good thing. Jason and Brian would probably jack me for all my money. Which amounts to about $2, but still. Also, everybody has a dog. And one turtle. And everyone in my family is generous. Almost like enjoy the company of their east coast relatives.

Let's see... the funniest thing that happened to me on the trip occurred at King's Hawaiian restaurant. I said, "... phone sex!" just as the waitress Brianna was putting a basket of bread on my table. She made a face but she still agreed to take a picture with Big Beau and his pink shirt.

The theme for the trip was definitely "What's The Capital Of Thailand?" thanks to Joel. And of course, there was his "next door" play in basketball.

Overall, it was a great trip, made especially eventful by Chris who drove us everywhere and back, and one I wish I could make every year. I should have gone with Lola to California back in the day when she used to visit every year.

Maybe I ought to move there.

Oh and the one and only movie star we saw was Ernie Hudson at LAX airport on the day we left Los Angeles.

Hollywood

Chinese Theater. Eat popcorn with chopsticks.	Elvis Presley & Marilyn Monroe.

Pasadena

Beau, Ellen, and Beau	The Last Kuyarai
Posing Raymond.	Posing Ellen.

Venice Beach Pictures

Palm trees.	More palm trees.

Southern California Pictures

A pagoda in a park in San Pedro. Say that 10 times fast.	Sunset in front of Tito Arnel's house in Palos Verdes.

In California

Well here I am. Family all over the place. Food everwhere I turn. I've eaten about sixteen mangoes already. Tomorrow we go watch Jason's basketball game and then a birthday party for my cousin Ryan (he turns 4 years old).

Chris and I are planning on driving up to San Francisco before going to Las Vegas with the other cousins. Imagine that. Good Friday and Easter in Las Vegas. How messed up is that. Hah.

Champions!!!

We won the Urban League Winter Season championships! It was a hard-fought, nail-biter of a game, and one where we had to use all the lessons we learned throughout the season.

52-50. Congrats to us! We rock! Now let's see if we can do it again. Oh and if you're wondering why everyone in the picture looks sickly and jaundiced it's because the flash on my camera was off and flourescent lights are hell on one's complexion.

I think I could have played much better, but I know I was beneficial to the team. My false sense of confidence and bravado, coupled with the fact that I can fake looking like I know what I'm doing, forced the other team to put their good defenders on me, which freed up the other guys for easy shots. It all goes back to my CYO coach, Mr. Brosnan. He always used to say, "When you get the ball, you have to be ready to pass, dribble or shoot. Triple threat!" The growling and yelling like a maniac I added on my own.

Now I gotta go pack for California.