Don't Fake The Funk

Family Laughter

I never laugh as much as I do when my family is around. We're like a perpetual motion contraption. I make them laugh, then their laughing makes me laugh which makes them laugh harder which makes me laugh harder which makes them laugh more, etc etc.

Before you know it, we're all red-faced and out of breath and we all have the hiccups from laughing so much. And all of this is without alcohol.

Potty Mouth

C.Bear: My co-workers curse too much.
k.Glenn: I bet they don't fucking curse.
C.Bear: They fucking curse you fucking fuck!

Damn Kids!!

Rob Rob: Kuya Glenn, Halo 2 is out on the internet!
Kuya Glenn: I know. It's a copy from Europe or something.
Rob Rob: Do you know where I can download it?
Kuya Glenn: Heck no. I don't do illegal stuff.
Rob Rob: Oh. Yeah right.

Rob Rob: btw, Imma kick your ass in Halo 2 even though I haven't played it yet.
Kuya Glenn: You probably will. That's why I am going to break your wrists before we play.
Rob Rob: It's too late, I already installed Wrist Protector 4000!
Kuya Glenn: Yeah? Well I just downloaded Wrist Breaker 5k2.

Either Or

Glenn: I like hanging out with girls.
Beth: That's because you're either a player or...
Glenn: Or what?
Beth: Or you're gay.
Glenn: Ouch. I saw that coming.
Beth: Just kidding, "kuya" Glenn!
Glenn: Double ouch!

Today Is Not A Good Day

First, I squirt hand-lotion (shut up, Ace) on my pants. Then I spill coffee on my shirt. Traffic, cell battery is running out, no money. What's next?

This is what's next... a fuckin' parking ticket.

What a day, what a day.

Well, Duh!

N: I hate men.
G: Why?
N: Because they automatically assume that I'll sleep with them!
G: That sucks.
N: Yes. I'm not a slut. I don't do anything slutty! I'm a woman.
G: Okay.
N: I hate the way the only thing men think about is sex.
G: Well I don't think that --
N: Oh gimme a break! Sex sex sex!
G: No seriously, I don't --
N: Whatever. I haven't met a guy yet who wouldn't sleep with anyone.
G: C'mon, there must be --
N: Why do men focus on sex all the time?
G: Uh, that's not --
N: I'm so frustrated. All men are good-for-nothing horn-balls!
G: Anyway... what are you wearing for Halloween?
N: Sexy nurse uniform with fish-net stockings and knee-high boots.
G: ...

Lifting The Curse

Except for my first three years, I've been a New Yorker all my life. So, I'm obligated to be upset about a New York team losing a hard-fought series. But you know, I don't mind so much. If there's any team that deserved to be the only team in MLB history to win a seven-game series after being down 0-3 it's the Red Sox. And if it's gotta be the Red Sox then I'm glad they did it against the Yankees.

It makes for a good story. And Curt Schilling is THE MAN.

I knew the Yanks were gonna lose the series after that sixth-game when Gay-Rod slapped the ball as he ran for first base. Right at that moment, Yankee karma reversed itself and the Curse of The Bambino was lifted. (Well, the 'Sox still have to win the World Series first.)

My basketball team sort of went through something similar this season. We were killing the team we played during the second game, and we kind of acted dicky about it. Ace suggested we keep playing hard and try to hit 70 points, but some other guys on the team took it to mean something totally different. The other guys started actually yelling for us to hit 70 points. They were being pretty obnoxious. Granted the other team was playing dirty (okay, very dirty) and I even caught a ball in my stomach because I was harassing an inbounds play and the passer got frustrated. But in situations like that, you get mad, then go down the court and pop a trey in their faces. Which I did. (Yeah, VillaAlien, it was a Carlton Park deja vu moment.)

I just hope our karma isn't completely reversed. I need more trophies.

Curt Schilling

Now I know I'm far from being a Yankee fan, and I'm even less of a Red Sox fan. After last night, I'm a Curt Schilling fan. I haven't seen this much heart and desire from a millionaire athlete in a long long time -- and never ever in a baseball player.

The dude had to get stitches to keep the tendon in his ankle from popping just to pitch. And even though he was bleeding and he musta been in serious pain, he pretty much shut down the Yankees (except for Bernie's homer, of course).

If there's any baseball player that's worth the money he makes, it's Curt Schilling. He's the MLB's version of Willis Reed.

I almost want the BoSox to win this series, now.

Almost.

The Need For Speed

Ace: You were moving pretty fast today.
Glenn: I was?
Ace: Yeah. A lot faster than you've been playing lately.
Glenn: Really?
Ace: Yeah man. You were beating everyone off the dribble, making fast cuts...
Glenn: You know, I did feel faster today for some reason.
Ace: Yeah.
Glenn: Even when I was... sitting.

Conversation With Yoda About Sex

Ace: So would you do her?
Glenn: C'mon man. You know I gave up pre-marital sex.
Ace: Ah, but the question is... did she?
Glenn: You are so wise.
Ace: Sex you will have, young Jedi!

(Yes, I did give up pre-marital sex. And no it's not cuz I can't get any. No really. That's not the reason. I'm serious. Dude. Seriously. I'm serious. Dude.)

My Demons

The demons I fight, my vices that I have, they are so strong that I don't even know they exist.

Nine-teen Eigh-teen!

How great are NY fans? Only we can come up with great stadium chants like "Nine-teen Eigh-teen!" It's up there with "Fi-re Lay-den." Yanks got the 'Sox no problem. But I don't think they can beat St. Louis. Pujols and Walker are gonna eat Yankee pitching alive.

Not that it matters. My World Series is the Yankee-Red Sox series. I'm a Met fan and accordingly I don't really care if the Yankees win the World Series or not (although I will be happy if they do). All I really care about is that they beat the Red Sox. I don't even know why. I don't hate the Red Sox. I don't even hate Pedro, anymore, for knocking Zim down. That bastard.

Oh wait, I do hate the Red Sox. To paraphrase Tupac Shakur.... oh nevermind. I forgot I'm supposed to be a good boy now.

"I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing."

Gotta love Darth Vader!

I've got to write about something that's been bugging me for a few months now. As most of you know, lately I've been getting back in touch with my faith. I'm going to church every day (almost), and Sundays too. I joined this charismatic group called Singles For Christ (it's a crappy-ass name, I know. It's not a dating service, but more on that later). For me, it's been a good thing and I feel like I've become a better person. I've got a friend, though, who tells me that this hasn't really changed me much. According to him, all it's done is reinforce the good parts of my personality.

A lot of my other friends and co-workers kind of laugh at me when they find out about this. I'm sure most of it is good-natured ribbing, but I have been called a "Jesus freak" a few times. Playfully, yes, but there is an underlying aversion to religion prevalent in a lot of people I know -- in fact, in society in general. It bothers me that it is more acceptable for an acquaintance of mine to regularly attend a "sex party" than it is for me to claim the greatness of God.

Why has faith become counter-culture, and why has the lack of moral accountability become the norm?

Beauston & Kuyadelphia

I miss my brothers. It sucks being the only Gaerlan left in NYC. I'm bored. Nobody's around to order pizza with, or play XBOX with, or fight with. Growing up I never thought that my brothers and I would all live in different cities. Not that I feel really bad, but I just feel more content when my brothers are around. Friendster and AIM are convenient, but they're no substitute for real in-the-same-room communication. Don't get me wrong. I've got friends here, and a some of them are really good friends; and there are a handful that I would consider a brother or a sister.

But blood is blood, and my blood-brothers rock.

What A Combination

Only Filipinos would come up with a casino/law office.

Stuff That Happened Today

Actually this happened Monday, not today, which is Tuesday.

I drove my boss home to Fort Lee, NJ. It's not all that far from Woodside, but I had to sit there, in an enclosed space, for twenty minutes, with my boss. I always feel uncomfortable around authority figures. I guess it's because I play pacman all day at the office so I was feeling guilty. It turned out well, however. My original misgivings about working where I work now have been slightly assuaged. My boss is an honest guy and pretty straight-up for a rich dude. I don't mind working for people like that. Now if only I was actually making money.

Teena and I got kicked out of the VIP section at McDonald's on 73d & Parsons blvd. It was crazy. I just took a bite outta my fish filet and I had my fries all laid out on my tray (hey, that rhymes) and this lady goes, "Sorry but this section is closed." I'm like... what the heck? I ain't gonna be but 10 minutes and she's kicking me out? I didn't even know McDonald's had a VIP section. I was so upset I got up but left my french fry container on the table. Teena, of course, tried to pick it up because she likes to clean (a Chinese person that likes to clean... go figure) but I grabbed it outta her hands and put it back on the table. I should have just gone to Krystals. Fish filets ain't got nothin' on lumpiang shanghai and a plate of longsilog. Mmm mmm mmm.

West Nile virus has met its match. I murdered three slow-moving mosquitos (mosquitoes?) today.

Speaking of bugs, I saw one of those small many-legged bugs that look like armadillos (armadilloes?) that roll up into a ball if they feel threatened. As kids we called 'em rollie-pollies. I haven't seen one since I was a kid. The rollie-pollie was crawling next to one of those seeds with one wing that fall from trees like a spinning top. I hadn't seen one of those in years, too.

Last Friday, I gave a hamburger to a homeless man that was sleeping outside of St. John's church in Manhattan. I think I saw him today at Dunkin' Donuts. He was driving a Mercedes. Just kidding. He was in the bathroom doing #2 and he didn't lock the door (it was a one-person public bathroom). So I saw much more of him than I really wanted to. And apparently, the hamburger I gave him last Friday didn't agree with him. Ugh, never mind. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

NBA season starts soon. I set up a fantasy league on Yahoo! but I haven't invited anyone yet. Who wants in?

I'm Horny

My car, no not my Mom's Volvo or my brother's Lexus, my car, my Mazda 626, which I haven't used in a quite a while, has car horn problems. i.e., there's a short in the electrical system that blows out the fuse every few months. So, there are times when the car horn doesn't work.

The funny thing about this is that I tend to be a lot more calm when I don't have a horn to use. Let's say someone cuts me off on the highway. Normally, I would get miffed and beep my horn and practice street sign-language on the offending driver. Sometimes I would describe in detail and in a loud voice the, uh, lack of driving skills exhibited at that particular moment. But when my horn isn't working, I'd get riled up for a half-second and then just let it go. If I have no way of communicating my frustration or anger, there's no point in being frustrated or angry.

Perhaps it's better for me when my car horn is malfunctioning.

Stowaway

SnowChang

Glenn: If you haven't noticed, I'm bored.
Hanna: Me too, and I still haven't showered yet.
Glenn: I can't imagine you being dirty.
Hanna: Hah.
Glenn: You're pristine. Like a freshly made snowman.
Glenn: Except not as round.
Glenn: Or as cold.
Glenn: And no carrot nose.
Glenn: Okay... you're nothing like a snowman.

I Just Noticed Something

I just noticed that I pee less often when I wear button-fly pants.

I just noticed that one of my co-workers looks like a tall version of Vezzini (the genius Sicilian from The Princess Bride).

I just noticed that there is braille on McDonald's drink covers.

I just noticed that the hardest thing to find at Staples are staples.

I just noticed that even used car salesmen complain about how politicians lie all the time.

I'm All Star Wars'd Out

Not.

I've watched the Star Wars dvds about three times already. All three episodes. Before I got them, I was worried that the old movies would seem cliche and foolish. I was concerned that my childhood memories of them were exaggerated by time. Yes, when they came out in theaters a few years ago I watched them. And yes, I even bought them on VHS way back when.

But it's different now for several reasons. I have a dolby digital audio system now. I am watching it on a big screen. And most importantly, I have Episodes I and II to which I can compare IV-VI... of course anything compared to Episodes I & II would look good.

Man, just hearing that famous soundtrack play as the back story scrolls up and away into a star field... and then seeing the star destroyer and the counselor's ship fire at each other. Oh man oh man.

I'd write more but I have to go into Tosche station to pick up some power converters.

Spatula Not Included

Tricia: I rode a yak... at 5,000 m!
Glenn: That is so awesome
Tricia: I have a photo!
Glenn: Oooh... are you wearing a kangol hat?!
Tricia: Of course I is.
Glenn: LL Cool J on a muthableepin' yak!
Tricia: LOL
Glenn: Mama said yak you out!

Glenn: I wonder what that yak would look like with corn rows.
Tricia: We ate yak meat. Chris had a yak burger.
Glenn: No wonder that yak looks a bit concerned.

Yes, Mom.

Mom: What is that smell? Have you been drinking?
Glenn: No, Mom. C'mon, you know I don't drink .... much.
Mom: You better be careful!
Glenn: Yes, Mom.
Mom: Because I watched the news today.
Glenn: Yes, Mom.
Mom: And a drunk driver killed some people.
Glenn: Yes, Mom.
Mom: Are you listening to me?
Glenn: Don't worry, Ma. If I'm going to kill someone it will be with my bare hands.
Mom: Okay. Love you.
Glenn: Love you too.