Don't Fake The Funk

Resignation Letter

To Mr. Names With-held AKA the Devil & his minions,

     Thank you very much for the opportunity to cheat customers and lie to co-workers at Khan Auto and USA Autopark. With not much discerning and even less regret I will be ending my torturous tenure in your wicked service. I believe that there is much to learn about this business here, such as lying to customers, cheating them of their money and screwing your employees just so that you can go to Mohican Sun for the Thanksgiving weekend while I wallow in poverty, and I consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity to witness first-hand such devilry.

     However, I have had increasing difficulty agreeing with business practices here, you fuckin’ cheap-ass motherfuckers, particularly with regards to the timeliness of receiving my earned pay – as in you should have paid me what you owe me. At this juncture in my career, other more wholesome and less depraved opportunities have arisen that suit my goals more appropriately such as finding the Covenant home world and destroying their threat to humanity once and for all (editor's note: That's a Halo 2 reference, naturally).

     Again, thank you for the opportunity, and I wish you all good luck with destroying the trust of your employees and good corrupt and dishonest business in the coming holidays. Not that you celebrate Christmas or Chanukah you freakin’ scrooges.

     Sincerely,
     Glenn Earl Gaerlan, Master Chief

(Editor's Note: Words in italics were omitted from the actual resignation letter.)

Friendster Searches

So I'm on Friendster today and I notice this box labeled "Popular Searches In My Network" and this is what I see:

1. how to tell if someone likes you
2. compatiblity tests
3. free ringtones
4. catholic love match
5. what was i in a past life
6. how to get your ex back
7. how to read body language
8. filipino mail-order brides
9. romantic date ideas
10. witchcraft spells

Okay most of these are fairly innocuous. But yo... "filipino mail-order brides"?! Which one of you people in my network is searching Friendster for Filipino mail-order brides? Holy shit, that's crazy! Especially considering the vast majority of my friendsters are FILIPINO. So either some brotha out there is having a little trouble getting a date or one of you non-Flips in my network is about due for a stern talking-to. Can you see the underlying theme of most of these friendster searches? People are looking for love and companionship. But why on friendster? Why on the internet at all? And holy mother of pearl why Filipino mail-order brides?

Let's go through the list quickly: No, whoever it is does not like you. Why? You're not compatible because your ringtones are cheap. And anyway you're looking for a Catholic partner on the web you crazy wanker. Which is exactly what you were in a past life: a crazy wanker. You'll never get your ex back and anyway why would you want to? Your ex is a lying cheating crazy wanker just like my ex. Her body language says so and so does theirs. That Filipino mail-order bride won't like you either because you are searching the web for romantic date ideas. Can't you come up with something on your own? Or ask a friend? And anyway you're into witchcraft and that mail-order bride is most likely Catholic.

TV Wisdom

From the TV show "Tour of Duty":

Sarge: What's the difference between being brave and being stupid?
LT: I dunno, Sarge. Maybe it's just timing.

Ain't that the truth.

Did She Just Called Me Fat?

Glenn: I'm a little annoyed with you.
Cristina: Huh? Why?
Glenn: I was trying to talk to Beth during dinner last night but she kept holding up her cell-phone saying, "Hold on I gotta text Tina."
Cristina: I'm sorry for ruining the mood.
Glenn: No, actually it worked out well. I had most of the food.
Cristina: Don't you normally have most the food?
Glenn: ...
Glenn: Very good point.

Work Alone

Yeah so... dude... I'm at the office alone. Everyone up and left. So what do I do? I go on-line and browse the web. It's what any red-blooded American would do when left to his own devices.

I have Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal, and Ben Wallace on my fantasy basketball team roster. AND... THEY... ALL... GOT... SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY. How sucky is that?

I keep hearing that "oo-oo-oo-waa-aa-aa-aa" sound from The Grudge. I know I'm just being paranoid, but man I'm scaring myself right now.

It's completely dead here.

I just did some push-ups.

Don't you hate it when a screen-name pops up on your AIM buddylist and you have no idea who it is? I don't want to IM this person because it's embarassing. "Hey what's up! Long time no talk on-line, buddy! Who are you again?"

Bored.

Bored.

Bored.

Blah.

Mm hmm, Wookiee Please!

VillaAlien: damn, there's a wookie in this picture that looks just like pacey!

Ho Tape 6: oh shiiiiiit!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha!!
VillaAlien: pacey's down wit tha struggle!
Ho Tape 6: they don't really look like chewbacca... more like yao-ming-sized ewoks.
VillaAlien: totally
Ho Tape 6: for one thing they're wearing too much clothing.
VillaAlien: chewie likes to go au naturel
Ho Tape 6: maybe chewbacca was a chewbakla?

VillaAlien: btw, on my qotd answer, i went with the name "wookie" instead of "chewy"
Ho Tape 6: that would be like calling ben wallace "negro" instead of "ben"
VillaAlien: when chewie hangs with his boys, he's always like "that's my wookie up in the hizzouse!"
Ho Tape 6: what up my wookie.
VillaAlien: mm hmm. wookie, please!

Ligaw/Lugaw

Glenn: I need some advice.
Weng: Ok, Kuya Glenn. Shoot.
Glenn: I'm making ligaw to this girl and...
Weng: Wow. What's with everyone with girls from out of town. First Kuya Ray, now you...
Glenn: Well she's from Long Island. She just grew up back home.
Weng: Oh wait I thought you said you were making lugaw. Chicken soup with rice.
Glenn: Hah!

Halo 2 Draft Day

Kuya Glenn: Bring your Xbox for Thanksgiving, ok?
Rob Rob: Where's Thanksgiving this year?
Kuya Glenn: Blood Gulch... uh I mean my mom's house.
Rob Rob: Okay.
Kuya Glenn: Here's the teams: Ronald and me versus you and Raymond.
Rob Rob: What? Me and Kuya Ronald... same team, we win.
Kuya Glenn: Yeah that's why we gotta split you two up.
Rob Rob: Here, I'll trade you Kuya Ray for Kuya Ron.
Kuya Glenn: No way.
Rob Rob: But Kuya Ron owns me.
Kuya Glenn: And Raymond is suspect... now that he's getting married.
Rob Rob: We're gonna die.
Kuya Glenn: Nah cuz your Kuya Ray is still better than I am.
Rob Rob: But Kuya Ron is sik wid it.
Kuya Glenn: And I'm the Professor.
Rob Rob: Then I'm Hot Sawwwwwss!

Halo 2 vs. Pac Man

Sunday, November 14th 2004. Pac Man won. I didn't play Halo 2 at all. Not at all. Baked a buncha cookies, played some Pac Man. But no Halo.

Will someone please explain to me what happened?

How Unlike Me

I haven't watched one Knicks game yet this season. I don't even know what their record is at this point. Some fan I am, huh?

Just As Bad As A Softball To The Face

Teena: So why won't you go see the movie Alexander with me?
Glenn: Cuz it comes out around Thanksgiving and...
Teena: So?
Glenn: Beau's gonna be home and I'd like to go see it with him if he wants to.
Teena: Why?
Glenn: Well... he's my brother. And we're both into that whole ancient historical battles stuff.
Ace: Yeah. Brother bonding and shit.
Teena: That's so stupid.
Glenn: You don't understand cuz you're Chinese.
Teena: So why can't we all go together?
Ace: He wants to do a brother-bonding thing.
Glenn: Yeah.
Teena: So you're making it an exclusively family thing?
Glenn: Yeah. Sorry.
Teena: That's fucked up! You promised!
Glenn: I know. Sorry, but that's my lil brother. I haven't seen him in months.
Ace: Hey can I go?
Glenn: Sure. Heh heh heh.
Teena: *makes an indignant face*

Lumpiang Shanghai

Something has been bothering me since last night and it has something to do with lumpiang shanghai. Apparently, I've been branded a "player" because I use lumpiang shanghai to lure girls to hang out with me. I'm not exactly sure how that works but apparently that's my modus operendi.

If only it were that easy.

Anyway it doesn't work, unless you count Ace as a girl. (Of course it's easy to lure Ace with any kind of food, lumpiang shanghai or otherwise. And yes, you can count Ace as a girl.) But isn't that strange? My craving for one particular dish that I happen to enjoy eating with friends has become my "line" to try to get chicks. Dang yo, gimme some more credit. If I was gonna use lines to get chicks would I really use lumpiang shanghai?

That being said... anybody down for some Krystal's? I'm hungry.

I Wrote A Poem Today

I Wrote A Poem Today
And no you can't read it
And no I won't post it up here.

I wrote a poem today
And this isn't it.
Although this is a poem.

I wrote a poem today
Another one I mean
And yeah, that's it.

Peace.

Breaking 20s

Have you ever noticed that when you break a $20 bill, it's as good as spent? Today, I broke a $20 buying a banana, some gum, and a vitaminwater. $3.75. I turn around and suddenly, the $16.25 that I had left was gone.

All of it. Gone.

And I have no idea what I spent it on!

There are little leprachauns living inside my wallet. They're afraid of big bills but once they see singles, fives, and tens they steal them and bring them to the end of the rainbow. Freakin' midgets.

Basketball? What Basketball?

Instead of watching the Knicks' opening night, I spent the day yesterday baking cookies and watching a Disney movie. And I was pretty darn happy, too.

Now who or what could possibly make me skip the first Knicks game of the season?

:)

Lolo Luis

My father lost an uncle this week. I barely knew the man personally -- I only met him a few times and at a very young age. What I know of him is very limited. I know that he was Baguio City's longest serving elected mayor. And my memory tells me that Lolo Luis had a very strong personality. He had a strong voice and would dominate the room at family gatherings. I remember thinking of him as a boulder that can talk.

It amazes me how strong the Filipino men of Lolo Luis' generation are. Having lived through World War II and Japanese occupation must have forged him, and my grandfathers into men of strength and character.

I wish I knew him better. Unfortunately, the distance from here to the Philippines is too great and I never got the chance. But I know that he was a big influence on my father, and from that I can extrapolate that Lolo Luis was a good man.

Improvements

Glenn: You know what would make this longsilog even better?
Ace: What?
Glenn: If there were three sausages instead of just two.
Ace: You mean... tatlongsilog?
Glenn: Brilliant!!!