Don't Fake The Funk

C'mon Ashton...

... stop stealing my thunder.

Easter Showers From Nigeria

We're late for Easter mass, as usual, so my family and I stand in the back of the church. During the mass, the priest walks around sprinkling everyone with holy water using the branches of some sort of plant. He walks around the entire church. He comes close to where we are and sprinkles us from the right-most part of the row where we are standing. We're all the way on the left side.

I manage to not get wet. That's fine. I do the sign of the cross, anyway. So the priest walks to the next part of the church, and just as he passes me, he looks me right in the eye, dips his branch in the bowl of holy water and BAM splashes me right in the face with all the water.

Homeboy was eying a brother. He was lookin' like "Yo, this boy needs some extra blessing. Imma get him good."

The priest, by the way, is Nigerian.

People In Albany Are Weird

I've been in Albany, NY for the past three days and I gotta tell you, the people that live up there are weird. I passed by a cleaning lady in the second-floor hallway of a Best Western and I said, "Hello." She responded thusly:

"Shaguzzablahahzznahacknid!"

I'm not sure what freakin' language that was. Can anyone tell me? The cleaning lady looked vaguely Eastern European so I'm guessing Serbo-Croatian.

On Monday I accidentally locked my car keys in the ignition (yes, in Albany). Luckily for me it happened near a gas station so I walked over and I asked the dude by the counter, "Dude, I am so stupid, man. I locked my keys in my car. Can you help me out?" He responded thusly:

"Oh man bro you think you're stupid? One time I kicked a pit bull in the ribs."

I'm not sure what he meant by that. Maybe it was code-speak for "Go ask the police to help" because as he said all that, he pointed to the police station.

Ironically, Albany Medical Center is the best hospital in the state for Neurology.

Oh Crap!

Syracuse lost! There goes my bracket!

NCAA Men's Basketball Predictions

Disclaimer: I've been in the Philippines for a month and they don't have 24-hour Sportscenter.

But here goes my finals prediction anyway:

Syracuse 97 Louisville 93

I know, I know, I originally picked Boston College, but I changed my mind.

Balikbayan

Does "Balikbayan" mean:
a) "balik ba, yan"?
b) "balik bayan"?

I guess it could mean both. Ah, those crazy crazy Filipinos.

Road Trip... Sucks!

Crislie: Are we driving to Florida, kuya?
Glenn: Yeah, that'd be fun. We could convoy with Jersey and pick up Delaware and D.C. on the way.
Crislie: I don't think that's fun.
Glenn: Why not?
Crislie: Long driving sucks.
Glenn: You don't drive.
Crislie: Long sitting sucks!

Australian For Milk

Cathy: Wow that boy is almost as tall as you now!
Glenn: Yeah and he's strong. He almost beat me in an arm wrestling match.
Cathy: Kids these days! What are they eating?
Glenn: I don't know! And in the Philippines -- where they have to import their milk from New Zealand!
Cathy: Hmm, that sounds like some exotic milk that I'd like to try.
Glenn: I think it's just cow milk... with an accent, oi!

Kitchie Nadal

Get her album. D, Jeb... you'd love this girl. I'd make copies, but I gotta support OPM artists.

How To Stay In The Motherland

I didn't want to leave the Philippines. I mean I really didn't want to leave the Philippines. Man, I love it there. Now, I'm at the airport in Korea using this insane fuckin' keyboard that keeps switching to Korean characters.... Argh! Five hour lay-over here til the million-hour plane ride back to JFK.

I should have just stayed in the Motherland.

Now... all I have to do is figure out a way to make money there. We came up with a few ideas, my cousins and my friends and I. A girl I met in Manila suggested selling U.S. Franchise logos with the word "Manila" on them. For example, Starbucks mugs that say "Manila" or Hard Rock Cafe Manila. I was thinking of selling the Spoof shirts, but then Ace would bitch that I gave away his pasalubong. I bought a few masks in Quiapo that I think would make me some money in the U.S., and Monique gave me two P20 bills from back during the Japanese occupation. Then I came up with the idea of buying the Filipino edition of FHM and selling it on E-bay. I ought to be able to clean up with that.

I hope, anyway.

Trans World AIM

Kuya Glenn: You see my new pics from the PIs?
Beau: What pics? I'm online in Rekjavik.
Kuya Glenn: Wow, we're on completely different hemispheres and climates.
Beau: Hah!
Kuya Glenn: I'm in shorts and a tank-top. You're probably wearing seal fur.
Beau: Hah!
Kuya Glenn: Rekjavik. That's a good spot to have in RISK.
Beau: Hah!

There Are Black People In Indang!!!

I saw three black guys walk up my street in Indang, Cavite. They were all decked out in ghetto white. One walked into the house on the corner in front of the house, and the other two waited outside.

Sansan and I walked toward them to see what up. (Actually, we were going to get some halo-halo.) It turns out they were Nigerians who attend Cavite State University around the corner, and the house they were visiting belonged to one of their professors.

It's funny how African blacks have taken to African-American hiphop culture. I said to them, "What up, yo." And they said something in Nigerian. I responded, "Word?" Then they said something else in Nigerian. Then I said, "No doubt, no doubt." Then they said, "Aight." I said, "Aight. Peace."

It's funny how Filipinos have taken to hiphop culture too.

I Found Nemo... and God

You might disagree with the Church. You may see hypocrisy when you see a crucifix. You may scoff at tradition, and shun prayer. But boy... when you are thirty-five feet underwater and a school of sardines are swimming above you in perfect syncronicity, shafts of green-blue sunlight glinting off their scales making them look like a dancing galaxy of stars... you will never again deny the existence of God.

A small orange fish striped in black followed me during my whole SCUBA escapade. It swam playfully around my face, and just in front of my mask. From reef to shore. It was as though I had an escort, an underwater guardian to show me the way. It wasn't a clown fish, though.

Clown fish are chickenshits. The two that I saw stayed inside the corals.

No luck finding Spongebob or Patrick, although I think I may have seen Squidward.