Don't Fake The Funk

Old School Photo

Left to right: Lola Crising and Lolo Luis, my grandparents Filomena and Vicente.

Plus some random dude in the back trying to get into the picture.

I Might Actually Be Turning Chinese

Peruse, at your leisure, these facts:

• I am dating a Chinese-Bisayan girl.
• I've learned to play mahjongg the Chinese way.
• I celebrated Chinese New Year with incense and special soup.
• During Chinese New Year's Eve, I went to a dog party.
• At the aforementioned dog party, there were dogs.
• We watched a werewolf (read: dog with humanistic tendencies) movie at the party.
• Chinese-style mah jongg was played at the party, with a dog.
• It is the Year of The Dog.
• "I know kung fu." (c) Neo

I've never been more Chinese in my life, even with my Chinese-from-China friends. Next thing you know I'll be using chopsticks with every meal.

How New Yorkers Deal With Terrorism

I can’t believe I didn’t write about this incident already.

On a Friday morning last summer I drove my parents and two of their friends to a conference at the New Yorker Hotel. There isn’t any street parking on 8th and 34th so I just pulled up in front of the hotel to drop them off.

I was just about to get out of the car to unload the luggage when a cop knocked on my window. “You gotta move this car now!” Typical of most NYC cops, he didn’t offer an explanation. He just expected to be obeyed.

My mom can be very skittish and it doesn’t take much to make her nervous. So she was semi-freaking out in the backseat while the cop was glaring at me through the car window. I got annoyed. I rolled down the window and said, “Listen buddy I’m just dropping my parents off. I’ll just be a minute.”

“No you gotta move now, goddamnit!” I found that statement to be quite inappropriate at the time considering that the conference my parents were attending was for Couples For Christ and there were hundreds of people milling about in front of the hotel wearing Christianity symbols. A civilian couldn’t miss it – much less a police officer trained to be observant.

“Whoa whoa young fella,” I said. I’m 33 years old. I can call people “young fella” now. “I told you I’ll just be a minute.”

The cop suddenly went red-faced and his voice went quiet and gravelly, “There is an abandoned suitcase that might have a bomb in it on the corner behind you and we’re trying to clear the block. Now are you going to move?”

At this point, my mom’s friend also started freaking out. “Oh we gotta get outta here! We gotta move! We gotta move!” In my science fiction-addled brain I was thinking, “Gee, well all I have to do is shut the blast-shields and we’ll be fine.” I laughed a little to myself at the absurdity of my reaction and I my passengers noticed. I got smacked in the back of the head by someone in the backseat. I never found out who it was.

I turned around but before I could ask who, I saw a big red suitcase propped up next to a garbage can on the corner, surrounded by cops. After a huddle, the cops started walking in pairs to opposite ends of the block to clear the sidewalk. People were confused and it looked like a panic was about to begin.

Out of nowhere, one of the hotel’s bell boys walked up to the now-unguarded suitcase and grabbed it by the handle. He shook it a little bit.

Then he knocked it to the ground.
Then he jumped in the air and stomped on it. The suitcase collapsed.

It was empty.

Needless to say I don’t think the bomb squad would have done it that way. I laughed when the bellboy jumped because I was thinking, “Man, homie think he Jack Bauer.”

Handedness Faux Pas

While my dad was meeting with an occupational therapist at the hospital today, I sat there half-listening to them, but mostly observing the goings-on around us.

One of the other patients was missing his right arm just below his elbow. As the aide helped him strap into an exercise contraption, she asked, "Are you left handed or right handed?"

I kid you not.

Ginger House Foolery

I Must Be A Good Cook...

... because Beth's older sister, who is a great cook, just called me for cooking advice.